Sometimes you get the opportunity to store up all the bitterness you collect day-to-day and spew it forth under the guise of ‘Opinion’. Today is one of those days.
Facebook status updates: they’re difficult to get right, and they’re infuriating to read when they’re wrong. Here’s my Top Ten Worst Facebook Status Crimes. I should know, I’ve committed most of them.
Note to you. Yes, you. This is not about your updates. It’s about everyone else’s.
1. The song lyrics
I get it. You *think* you’re feeling exactly what Morrissey felt when he wrote Everyday is like sunday, but in fact, you’ve probably just drank a bit too much and you’re feeling a tad melancholy. Not. The. Same.
2. The Passive Aggression
Do you really think the object of your aggression is going to read what you’ve written, sensibly digest and modify their behaviour accordingly? To date, it’s never happened. What has happened, is this.
3. The information broadcast
Short of taking out an ad in The Metro, Facebook is the most effective way of informing people what jealousy-worthy event has passed in your life. Achingly cool gig, flowers delivered at work, refusing [enter name here] a date – all this and more can be put on display to illustrate to others how much they should want to be you.
4. The niche statement
This is something I’m massively guilty of, assuming as I do that everyone on Facebook is well aware of the launch of Google Chrome/the liveblogging phenomenon/my excitement over a peripheral. It’s a statement that does nothing but alienate those not privy to your world. I’ve been told it’s bad form. Eh, who cares.
5. The inappropriate information
There are some big things in life that deserve more than a sentence to the world. Death springs to mind, as does anything you wouldn’t stand up on a chair and shout in the pub. “[enter name here] can’t believe [enter name here] cheated on her”. “Randee can’t believe you felt comfortable announcing that on Facebook”.
6. The ask me ask me ask me
Anything that implies you have a great big secret that you just *might* share with the world if asked, counts as an Ask Me. [enter name here] can’t believe that just happened…
7. The boredom update
One word answers are very seldom witty. “is going to bed”, “is tired”, “is hungry” Telling us you’re tired, bored, sleepy, awake or excited is never going to set the world alight, and just looks like you’re trying to remind people you’re still alive.
8. The …
I can never figure out if people mean to do that, or if they’ve accidentally updated when they didn’t mean to. And if they did mean to, what the heck do they mean?
9. The linkbait
Putting links to sites, YouTube films and junk really annoys me. No doubt someone, somewhere clicks on it, but I never have.
“This is too funny to not watch…”
10. The play-by-play
You’re watching American Idol. Simon Cowell just blasted your favorite. You’re angry with Simon. You’re wondering whether to turn the channel. You’ve think American Idol is rigged. You’re listening to the next contestant. You think he sucks.
Honestly, while I’m curious what’s going on in my friend’s lives, I don’t care about the play-by-play and have a hard time believing any one does.